New Poll: I Choose "Gonnorhoea"

It's like a kick in the onions....but to your SOUL.

The Judas of Woking

That slimy little bastard.

Adrian Newey, McLaren's technical director for the last eight years, moved to Red Bull today (thanks for the heads-up, Juan).

Newey was the brains behind the heady Hakkinen years, as well as Kimi's recent ascent.

One has to wonder what McLaren boss Ron Denis, pictured with Newey below, was thinking when he allowed this travesty to happen.

I mean, how hard is it to just throw cash at the guy? We know he's a whore--that is now beyond dispute. The issue is that though a whore he may be, he's also a great racecar designer.

Moreover, if McLaren goes to shite as some are predicting, how long will Kimi stick around? It's effing Silly Season in November.

On the other hand, I can't be all that worried. Like Mika Haitch, KR has the Gift of Speed, after all. That's not something a person can buy or learn, and it's not something that can be taken away. It's all in the genes. Read and learn:

"It is a circumstance not generally known, perhaps, that among seamen, Finns are regarded with peculiar superstition. For some reason or other which I could not get at, they are supposed to possess the gift of second sight, and the power to wreak supernatural vengeance upon those who offend them..."

Herman Melville
Omoo
1847

"DIE MOTHERFUCKER, DIE!!!"

Haus of Hak Celebrates 500th Visitor

Let me drop some mother-effing science on your cracker ass:



That's right, Haus of Hak officially received its 500th visitor today.

Who are you, the reading public? Well, you're obviously a cosmopolitan crowd, hailing from all corners of the world:



On the other hand--and I just can't sugar-coat this--you're an international bunch of abject perverts, plain and simple.

Don't believe me? Here's a selection of some of the top referring searches that got you here--in the last 24 hours alone:

• grandpas cum
• finnish bukkake
• corn hole
• grandpas gay (en espanol)

...well, you get the idea.

For the sweet love of Jimminy Mother-Humping Jehosephat, people! Honestly....

Other, more understandably popular searches include:

• kimi's wife
• kimi wife
• kimi's wife (en espanol)

and one I sincerely hope is kosher in intent:

• aina hakkinen

Haus of Hak is also the go-to destination when it comes to Kimi's habit of publicly blacking out:

• "drunk raikkonen" (in Turkish)
• drunk raikkonen --hey, top Google result! (Please don't sue me.)

There are other referrals with more violent themes:

• osama zarqawi
• WW1 disfigurement

And finally, my proudest internet association of all:

• Super Nitro carbon fiber

That's right, somebody found a link to the Haus on page 14 of his/her (ok, it was definitely a dude) Google results after searching for "Super Nitro carbon fiber." That makes me damn proud.

As for "Grandpa's Cum".... yeah ... uh, I'm somewhat less proud of that one. Not to say displeased, though. Interestingly, those searches are emanating out of Mexico and Arizona. Puebla and Tuscon, to be more precise.

So... I bet you didn't know that when you search for "Grandpa's Cum" people can see where you're doing it from.

Well, fruitcake, you guessed wrong.

Anyway, when you're done dying of mortification and frantically trying to erase your geriatric jizm-encrusted hard drive, why don't ya cum on back to the Haus....

Everybody's welcome here, butt-nut. You're home now.

Poll Results: 40.7% of You Are Drunk

Haus of Hakkinen has been hosting a poll over on the sidebar for a while, and the results are now in.

The poll asked readers, “Why is Kimi so Christforsaken Fast?”

Overwhelmingly, you were too drunk to answer the question. Take a look at the results:



These results come as no surprise, really. In fact, I can’t imagine why anyone who wasn’t falling-down drunk would read the trash I put on this site.

On the other hand, 33.3% of you apparently were sober enough to take a stab at Kimi’s secret, and you attributed his blisteringly incandescent speed to his being Finnish. In this assumption you were only partially correct. It is indeed necessary to be Finnish to be as fast as Raikkonen, but it is not sufficient.

So what about answer #3? Well, that was a trick question, but only 18.5% of you fell for it. The fact of the matter is that strippers do not routinely punch KR in the face with their asses; in actuality, he punches himself in the face with their asses. It’s a fine distinction, but one that I’m confident the less severely drunk of you can appreciate.

Well, as you’ve by now probably figured out, the correct answer was #4. Only 7.4% of respondents got it right, and one of those votes was my own. Poor show on your part, you smelly, grunting herd of barbarians!

So what does “Raikkosen tallitoveri han oli radalla ‘strippers’--toinen!!!” mean?

Well, it’s an old Laplander koan that unfortunately has no English translation. And even if it did have a translation, the underlying gist of the thing is so intensely vulgar—so absolutely fucking revolting—that I simply wouldn’t feel comfortable posting it on a family site like this.

Thanks for taking the poll, and better luck next time!