My Christmas List for Santa

Dear Santa,

What follows is a partial list of my Christmas demands:

First up, I need you to get me this Mika Hakkinen cross-stitch kit.

I want it, I want it now, and I don’t want to hear any of your mealy-mouthed excuses on this. Git ‘er done, and get back to me ASAP.

If possible, have Ms. Claus take care of all the sewing and whatnot for me. I’m no good at that shit—all thumbs, etc. Listen, if it doesn’t entail ball diffs, I can’t help you, pal. Just tell your gosh damned byrd to hook a brother up over here and make it into a pillow cover for my kid’s future nursery, okay?

Other things I need you to get to me ASAP (i.e., no later than Christmas morn):

1. A signed copy of the Mika Hakkinen CD single—preferably the Finnish version, which reached the top of Finland’s charts in 1998.

[Readers click here for an audio sample of this priceless masterwork]

Chorus:
Here he comes! Mika Mika Häkkinen!
This is the day of white and blue!
Donnerwetter Schumacher!
You have got us all wrong! We don't mean you

2. A McLaren team fleece ski hat (tuff)

3. A Scalextric 1/32 McLaren/Mercedes MP4 F1 2005 “Kimi” slot car (harde)

4. A SCX 1/32 Slot Car McLaren F-1 “Mika” slot car (ill)

I’ll keep you apprised of other gift necessities for me as and when that information becomes available.

In the meantime, keep it real—and don’t even think about jerking me around on this. I will have that cross stitched pillow, damn it.

Your pal,
--HAKKIN£N!!!!!!!

P.S. If they’re out of the Hak stitch kits, I’ll settle for a Bee Gees version. That motherhumper Barry Gibb’s got a voice on him like a fricken angel.

Bless that Barry Gibb's little heart.